I apologize for taking so long to reach out to you. I have watched you from a distance as you spiraled out of control. I wanted to say something to ease your pain. I just didn’t know how or what to say.
I have seen all the anger, guilt and sadness you have buried deep inside you. I have watched as you tried to make it go away with more and more alcohol. I tried to tell you many times that it was a temporary fix. That as soon as the effects wore off, the old feelings would still be there. I was right, and you would start drinking again. Only this time it would take more.
When you forced Cyndi to move out, you were protecting your daughter the only way you knew how. Of course you were angry and sad. Your marriage of almost 20 years was slipping away. I FORGIVE YOU! It is ok to let it go. You did the right thing for the right reasons. As far as her suicide is concerned, that was not your fault either. It was her decision. Sure you were angry at her for what she did to Victoria, her family and you. You had no reason to feel guilty about HER decision. That said, I know you have been harboring that guilt for 10 years now. It is time for you to let it go. I FORGIVE YOU!!!
When it comes to Tammie, it was a difficult situation for everyone involved, the girls, Victoria and Jessie especially. When y’all got together, your drinking was still in its infancy. But it was quickly escalating. You were drinking on the way to work, lunch and on the way home. Plus you usually had a drink or two once you got home. As the arguments got worse, the drinking increased. After you were laid off from Argus, I’m sure she felt it was the perfect time for you to get help. She gave you the same ultimatum you gave Cyndi. You were in denial and angry. Yet you did it. Granted the environment wasn’t very conducive to recovery. Combine that with not wanting to be there and it was a recipe for disaster. When you got home, she didn’t really give you much support. It was like she had made up her mind when you were in rehab. Especially since she stopped coming to visitation. The divorce papers were just the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. Of course that wasn’t the end of the anger, guilt and sadness for you in regards to Tammie. You had the bright idea to drive 3.5 hours to Woodson. To ask a headstone for forgiveness. Drinking the whole way up there. When you didn’t get a response, remember, you were drunk. How would you have known anyway? You decided to buy more for the drive home. Along the way home you stopped to argue with Tammie some more. You blacked out with the car running and the police were called. Here came DWI #2. The guilt you felt was intense. There was a silver lining to this cloud of doom and gloom. Somehow you were able to release all of the anger and quilt surrounding you and Tammie and forgive yourself. Good job Buddy!
I’m going to sign off now old friend. I will miss you. But I think it is for the best. I will leave you this one piece of advice though. Do not hold onto those negative emotions. It is ok to feel them in the moment. But you have to forgive yourself if you want to stay sober. Remember, negative emotions can turn into resentments, which can turn into justifications, which will lead to drinking. I don’t want to see you in this place, physically, emotionally or spiritually ever again. You deserve better. And you will get better. You have a beautiful wife and great friends that all love and support you. I know you don’t want to let them down. More importantly don’t let yourself down.
I Love You Buddy